ever heard something so dope and impactful that you instantly got what it meant for you but the person ruined it with the explanation? yea, me too. at our family thanksgiving vacation, my cousin said to me, “you’re probably hard to date.” i knew exactly what she meant, didn’t inquire and she didn’t explain. there was no need to. i got it for me…or what i needed to hear for where i am with myself right now.
maybe i’m wrong, but i think my august virgo cousin meant my expectations are high, that my authenticity may seem intimidating or perhaps my aim to do things with intention seems strategic or pressuring. if so, she’s right. if not, forget everything you’re about to read below. i do set high standards for things i do and i want to do my absolute best. who doesn’t want to win? experience has taught me when to leave or give something another try but with either choice, it will be done with my full engagement the first time. i have a colleague who calls me a dream crusher and a close friend says i can be mean and surly. they both know better or are saying that i’m direct and enforce realities. i can wear rose colored glasses with my hopes, but i tell the truth at all times and when i haven’t, i apologize then or arrive to it eventually. it did take me over 20 years to apologize to a friend once. not for pride, but i didn’t have the language. it nagged at me whenever i saw his name on social media, so one day i dm’ed him and just shared what i was sorry for. his response was liberating and what initially seemed like a lesson on forgiveness, was more a life lived on moving on and knowing that good people have bad moments.
i started reading the seat of the soul by gary zukov awhile ago. it’s thick and heavy and like most things like that, it’s takes some easing into. i’m still maneuvering with it. the book is woven with messages about taking authority of your own life. to me that’s intent and intent is necessary. i do want to know. know the who (the real you) and the what (purpose), not the why or the how. what i don’t need, is to know how we’re going to get to know each other or why someone would want to date me. yea i’m cute and personable, but i don’t lead or operate from those. my intent is my soul and i want to know your soul and introduce it to mine. it takes more than diamonds, money, cars or status to woo me. and if we need to spark conversation, verbal elation, stimulation or share our situations, temptations, education, relaxations…then let’s take that long walk. getting to know your purpose and character, is dating to me. fancy dinner reservations aren’t dates to me. movies, happy hours, hanging with your friends – not dates. sitting in silence, even noise together, watching your interactions with elders from across the room, how you extend yourself to those who need help the most are how i determine if i can even arrive to date you. i will test waters and swim deep in them but i’m a slow, sweet, sensual thing to capture.
i remember reading another cousin’s yearbook and one of the senior quotes read “if i’m out of place for being real and must pretend for you, then give me a costume that resembles me so that i may pretend to be myself.” sometimes you meet people in their audition phase and that continues. then you meet their purpose and character and things change quick-ly! i’ve been fooled and even played the fool getting to know potential dates. i know my vices and certain things lure me in and have kept me captive. and i’m not too innocent to say i haven’t fooled. i did in a rare case. most times however, i’m honest and considerate enough to use my words and let you know where i am with a thing. authenticity is more precious than rubies to me. i deal with the real so if it’s artificial, let it be.
how does any of this relate to what my cousin said? do my standards or my desire to know what we are doing and where we headed make me difficult? nothing and no one is perfect. really, i’ve just recently realized (or fully accepted) i hate wasting time with people. sure, i waste my own time but not yours. so kindly, don’t waste mine. i can be a little impatient, but the idea of what could have if not for… does vex me. i’m wise enough, too, to know the what could haves are likely what should haves. not the shoulds of entitlement like molly from insecure, but the should haves of growth that are needed to get from there to an evolevd elevated there. so if my intentional, hopeful, honest ass is hard to date because of that, i’m good. i love me. and you’ll love me too – very easily.
a boy who loves – j. darius greene